there’s a difference between writing when there is something you wish to publicize and writing because it’s almost physically painful not to (sometimes they are linked, but it really doesn’t matter right now, so let’s stay focused). this post is strictly the latter. i have absolutely nothing to publicize - the people i care about know this - but i really can’t do anything else but move my fingers and create words, eradicating my intense sense of contradiction.
something is working hard to keep my fingers alive.
this past week, this past month, this past year, this past life - ups and downs have kept me alive, the way the ebbs and flows of the tide keeps a boat adrift, always heading somewhere.
ay, there’s the rub. my life has lots of directions, whereas a boat generally has one (or in some cases more, but it’s not important; let’s focus). regardless of where i am going now, i know i won’t be going there tomorrow. there’s the second fucking rub. which leads to the image of a circle, the thought of repetition, the voice of pessimism.
i hate that voice (pessimistic of me, i know) - it is such an ugly thing, really. creeping inside you and not leaving for days, consuming your thoughts like a roommate forking through your leftovers, leaving behind the bare minimum for your survival. irksome, to say the least.
so i casually and curiously ask, “where are we going? somewhere today, somewhere else tomorrow?”
and here comes the voice asking, “what’s the point?”
i don’t know.
don’t be so grande as to assume you do either. excepting miche, who know’s exactly why we write, you’ll read this and see what you want to see, convince yourself that this is something it’s not. a cry for help? desperation? the end of hope? i feel sorry for you. read what i am writing as it is meant to be seen. for safety’s sake, and because i’ve gotten into major trouble writing ambiguously in the past, i am stating this here and now: my question, ladies and gentlemen, is that of life’s purpose. what is it? where is it? avenue q has briefed us of this query, but i am taking it to a slightly more personal level. there are different answers for different people, and i haven’t the slightest idea what or where mine could be.
is it possible to come out of a circle?
the third and final rub: i’m sticking around to answer my personal pessimist’s question: “what’s the point?”
until i have a better answer than “i don’t know,” things will get slippery and intense. and, as always, there will be episodes of frequent laughter. seriously.